HU’S ON FIRST

173
Ken Warren

Story by Ken Warren (ISN)

August 22, 2013, Victoria, BC (ISN) – Welcome to the 19 article of Ken’s Blog, where historian Ken Warren takes us through some of his childhood memories, sharing with us the lives and times of his sports oriented family growing up in Saskatchewan and Manitoba in the 1900’s and beyond. In this article Ken continues with his play on words and shows us just how it’s done with HU’S ON FIRST.

HU’S ON FIRST ? BY KENNY RUSS WARREN

Starring: Patrick Warren as George W. Jr.

Kenny Russ Warren as George Sr.

And: Guest Reader as Narrator

Here’s Harvard’s International Team that George Jr. must identify:

LIST GIVEN TO GEORGE W. ANSWERS (not given to George W.)

1) NAME THE PRESIDENT OF CHINA 1) HU (Hu Jintao)

2) NAME THE PREMIER OF CHINA 2) WEN (Wen Jiabo)

3) NAME THE FORMER CCP CHAIRMAN 3) MAO (Mao Zedong)

4) NAME PRIME MINISTER OF JAPAN 4) KAN (Naoto Kan)

5) NAME PRIME MINISTER OF INDIA 5) SINGH (Manmohan Singh)

6) NAME ISRAELI 1970 PEACE REP. 6) BEGIN (Menachem Begin)

7) NAME EGYPT’S 1970 PEACE REP. 7) SADAT (Anwar Sadat)

8) NAME ISRAEL PM. YOM KIPPUR WAR 8) MEIR (Golda Meir)

9) NAME FORMER HEADS OF STATE (Isr.) 9) WEIZMANN (Ezer and Haim)

10) NAME THE MANY TIMES ISR. LDR. 10) NETANYAHU

George W. went to his father two days after the Texas Rangers lost in the 2010 World Series and felt lifted from his blue funk by some good news. He told the elder George that he had been invited to receive an honorary doctorate degree from Harvard.

“They’ve asked me to comment on international problems, Dad, namely the Rise of Asia, especially China, Japan, and India, and also the Middle East’s peace attempts. I get to show my international smorgasbord of knowledge to the two new houses of government, and then I get to be an honorary MD. I’ve always wanted to be a medical doctor. Remember when I’d play doctor and Mom would be my nurse?”

“Gee, Georgie, both the new Congress and new Senate? Do you think you can handle that task?”

“Y’all know I can, Daddy. No worries. It’ll be ‘Mission Accomplished’.”

“Well some people used to say that you weren’t that good at identifying international leaders. Remember when that CBC fella told you Prime Minister Poutine of Canada was rooting for you over Al Gore? You thanked him and told him to pass on your good wishes to the imaginary Poutine.”

“Prime Minister Chretien or Poutine both sound the same, both sound French. It was an honest mistake. This is different though, Dad. Harvard has given me a kind of cheat sheet. All I need to do is name the eleven world leaders that match the eleven titles on the sheet. That’s where you come in, Pops. Here’s a copy of my questions. If there’s any leaders I don’t know, you can give me the answer.”

“I’d be delighted to help you, Son.”

“I’m glad you came to Washington to watch me perform. Remember those evildoers who called me dumb, Dad? I’m going to show them. You betcha. Together we’ll smok’em out. You and me are a ‘coalition of the willing’ that can’t be beat.”

” Two heads are often better than one, Son.”

“Great, Dad. Now, think aloud of the G20 leaders from China, Japan, and India.”

“OK, Son, Hu. Kan. Singh.”

“Who can sing? Who cares about that?”

“Hu cares about what, Son?”

“Never mind, Dad, I’m just a little confused. Remember, this is important, we’re talking about my MD degree here. Look at the list I gave you. The guy up first is from China; so who’s the president of China?”

“That’s right, my boy.”

“What’s right?”

“What you said, Son. Hu’s the President of China.”

“Then tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Who’s the President of China?”

“Yes, Hu is.”

“Don’t you know?”

“Indeed I do know, Hu is.”

“So, tell me then.”

“Hu!”

“Who? Who? You keep saying ‘Who’. So you don’t have it all together, Dad. Let’s try this from a different angle. Forget about naming the president. Who is the Premier of China?”

“No, no. Hu is the President of China.”

“OK, Dad, this is getting ridiculous. Try it this way instead: Forget that I asked about the President of China, just give me the name of the Premier of China?'”

“Wen.”

“When? When do I want you to tell me the name of the premier? Now, of course.”

“Did you say ‘Mao, of course?’. No, no, George. Mao Zedong is not the Premier of China.”

“I know that, Mao is the Commie Leader.”

“No, Son, Mao is gone.”

“Gone? Where?”

“He’s dead.”

“Shucks, he’s gone and died. When did that happen? Anyway, I didn’t say ‘Mao, of course’, I said: ‘Now, Now, of course.’ Is your hearing starting to go? Please, just give me the name of the Premier.”

“Wen”.

” When? You ask when again? NOW, NOW! Please tell me who is the Premier of the People’s Republic of China?”

“I told you. He is not the Premier; Hu is the President.”

“No, you haven’t told me anything that makes sense. It appears you know nothing about China. I’m wasting my time here, Dad. I guess maybe the rise of China is too new for you.”

“Well, Son, I don’t think…”

“C’mon, Dad, you gotta think. Can you tell me the name of the Prime Minister of Japan?”

“Yes, Kan!”

“Yes, you can. Great! So who is the Japanese leader?”

“Not Hu, Georgie. Hu is from China.”

“Who is from China? Who is from China? I’m the one who is supposed to be asking the questions. Really, Dad, I just want answers from you. Do you or don’t you know the G20 leaders from China, Japan, and India?”

“HU. KAN. SINGH.”

“WHO CAN SING? I don’t care. Yet another question from you. Let’s drop the Far East. Maybe you’ll do better with these Middle East questions. This stuff from the past will be more to yer liking. Harvard says a peace accord was signed between Israel and Egypt in the 1970’s. I must identify the main negotiators for each of those two nations..’ Here’s the first question: ‘Name the person negotiating for Israel ‘? Dad, what do you say for Israel?”

“Begin.”

” What’s that mean ‘begin’? I have begun. That’s the whole question, Dad. ‘The person negotiating for Israel was ‘blank’.’ Fill in the blank at the end.”

“Begin.”

“C’MON, DAD, I SAID FILL IN THE BLANK AT THE END. FORGET THE BEGINNING. Okay, okay, Daddy. Sorry if I yelled; try this: instead of Israel, identify the person negotiating peace for Egypt.”

“Anwar.”

“AND WAR? AND WAR? What’s that supposed to mean? NOT WAR. This is the peace treaty we’re talking about. Name the negotiator of peace for Egypt?”

“That’s Sadat!”

“THAT’SA DAT WHAT? What’sa dat? Dat’sa dis and dat’sa dat? What are you talking about, Pops, are you trying to be a rapper? Dat’s as far as you should go, and dat’s for sure. Please tell me WHO is the leader I’m looking or I’ll…”

“Son, you’ve already identified HU is the leader you’re looking for, but remember, he’s from China, not Egypt.”

“OH, GOD. STOP THE TRAIN AND LET ME OFF. BUT JUST BEFORE I JUMP, PLEASE TELL ME THE NAME OF THE PRIME MINISTER OF ISRAEL DURING THE YOM KIPPUR WAR?”

“Meir.”

“Your ear? What do you mean ‘your ear’? Oh, oh, sorry, Dad, I didn’t mean to shout so loud, but I’m getting frustrated. I haven’t got anything straight yet and I have to appear before the joint houses in less than an hour. I’ll repeat my question quietly: ‘Who was the prime minister?”

“No, no, Georgie. Never a prime minister; Hu is the President of China.”

“You answer my question with a question, Dad. Forget China. Do you know any Heads of State of Israel?”

“Yes, I know the two Weizmanns.”

“God, Dad, that’s not even good English. There is no such word as ‘wisemans’. It’s ‘wisemen’, not ‘wisemans’; and there were three of them, not two. Don’t you remember your Sunday School lessons? They were the three stars from the East. I can’t remember what they starred in, but they definitely were not Israeli politicians. Jeez, Dad, maybe you’ll get this last question; it’s a tricky one. Here’s the instructions: ‘Check out the Net and Yahoo. This leader is always on Israeli Cablevision. Identify him. Think “pun”‘. C’mon, Dad, who do you think the Israeli Leader is?”

“Netanyahu.”

“Yeah, I’ve already told you that the Net and Yahoo are two of the clues. It means that you can find stuff about him on Yahoo. I’ve looked there, but they have hundreds of Israeli officials there. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.”

“The trick is that the answer is loaded with puns, Son. Try Netanyahu for your answer.”

“Like I told you already, I went to the net and yahoo and they have too many Israeli leaders to choose from. I’ve still got half an hour, maybe I’ll go to the Library of Congress and look up these leaders names in the dictionary . No sweat.”

“How are you going to find these leaders names in a dictionary, Son?”

“Under ‘N’ for ‘Names’. Hey, why the tears, Dad? Happy for me? Ya know I’ll make y’all very proud.”

“I’m crying because I don’t think I can attend your performance with the Joint Houses, Georgie. Your mother and I can’t afford any more embarrassment.”

“Aw, Daddy, give me more credit than that. I’m not going to tell all those new Senators and Congressmen that you haven’t a clue anymore about the international scene. Y’all think that I would ever expose your forgetfulness and cause you to hide from the public in embarrassment? No siree, bob, your secret is safe with the new Dr. George W. MD of Harvard.”

“George WMD? Oh, no, Georgie. Don’t say it that way. People will think that you actually are one of them.”

“Are one of what?”

“The WMD, Georgie. The Weapons of Mass Destruction.”

“Hey, that’s funny, Dad: ‘Dr. George W. MD’. Picture some jackass out there thinking that I might be one of the Weapons of Mass Destruction. Now that’s what I call a real joke. Isn’t that funny, Dad?”

“Well, not really, Son.”

“Hey, maybe I should phone General Powell and tell him I found the WMD. They’re part of my medical degree.”

“Nora and the Golden Dragon”

Novel Written by: Kenny Russ Warren – Featured on YouTube

 

Your sports. Your teams. The ISN Daily Digest.

Sign up to the ISN Daily Digest and sit back while we pick the previous day’s best headlines and speed them straight to your inbox every morning.
Email address
First Name*
We abide by all applicable emailing laws including 100% CAN-SPAM/CASL/US CAN-SPAM Act compliance. No spam!