“Sharks defenseman Marc-Edouard Vlasic said he missed (last) Saturday night’s pantsing at the hands of the mostly brutal Carolina Hurricanes because of ‘a cold,’ ” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “Sunday he was placed on injured reserve. In other words, what we have here officially is an ‘upper body injury linked to killer phlegm.’ Boys, we don’t mind that you lie about injuries because your players are occasionally borderline psychopaths who would try to injure already-injured players.
But you have to be able to lie better than that. You just have to. Children are watching.” . . . Meanwhile, in the WHL, Kootenay Ice head coach Ryan McGill sat out two games during the week. He went from “ill” to “upper-body injury” to “general body soreness.” . . .
You sit down on a Thursday night and have a hankering to watch an NHL game. The channel guide on your TV shows you four games, all on at the same time. Winnipeg at Nashville. Toronto at the New York Islanders. Pittsburgh at Ottawa. Edmonton at Montreal is on two channels, one French and one English. Later, it’s Calgary at Los Angeles. Five games. Each featuring a Canadian team. But in Gary Bettman’s NHL every one of those games is available regionally. Which means, here in Kamloops, it was the New York Rangers at Colorado or Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Hey, Rogers, if you’re wondering why the ratings aren’t nearly what you thought they would be. . . .
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times discovered an interactive soccer-related calculator at BBC.com and typed in the average U.S. salary of $43,000. This is what he got back: “Cristiano Ronaldo earns €18,200,000 ($20.9 million) per year. It would take him 18 minutes to earn your weekly salary. On your current salary, it would take you 551 years to earn Cristiano Ronaldo’s annual wage. If you had started in the year 1464 you’d almost be finished.” . . . Perry asks: “What do the Seahawks and NBC anchor Brian Williams have in common?” Perry answers: “Both would’ve been better off staying on the ground.” . . . Minor league baseball’s Akron Rubber Ducks will play host to Brian Williams’ Pants-on-Fire Night on April 27. You know you’ve made it when a baseball team is honouring you with a special night. . . .
Here’s comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “My sports and entertainment heroes have been, roughly in order, Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Jenner, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and Brian Williams. I am starting to think I might be the problem.” . . . Seattle Times desk editor Bill Kossen asks: “How many Marshawn Lynches does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Kossen’s answer: “Thank you for asking.” . . . G Jackson Whistle of the Kelowna Rockets underwent an appendectomy about 10 days ago. If you have ever wondered whether that is upper or lower body, the Rockets list him as being out with a lower-body injury. . . .
“Tiger Woods withdrew with a bad back, explaining that a long wait in the fog caused his glutes to deactivate,” wrote Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle during last weekend’s PGA tournament. “First recorded case of foggy bottom. You know you’re in trouble when your ass goes south on you. Now can we declare a moratorium on discussion of any Tiger Woods body part below his waist?” . . . Jack Finarelli, The Sports Curmudgeon, chimed in with: “Personally, I wonder if this was a case of his glutes deactivating or a situation where he realized he was getting his glutes kicked.” . . .
“During a game at a recent Colorado Rockies fantasy camp,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “a pitcher brushed back batter Lew Dunlap. Livid, Dunlap — who’s 88 — started to charge the mound. He’s expected to arrive there sometime next week.” . . . Cardale Jones, who finished the season as Ohio State’s starting quarterback, recently spent some time visiting a children’s hospital. While there, he played the NCAA football video game with a patient. Jones later took to Twitter to clear the air. “Man, he tweeted, “I wish everyone stop saying I beat a kid in the hospital 91-35 . . . It was 98-35, had 91 with 1:26 left in the 4th.” . . .
You may have noticed New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick chatting with David Letterman on Wednesday. Perhaps you were wondering why it wasn’t Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. According to Letterman, “We invited Pete Carroll to be on the show, but he passed.” . . . Katy Perry has told people that the NFL had almost total control over her halftime Super Bowl extravaganza. “If my calculations are correct,” noted Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel, “that brings the total number of events that the NFL had under control this past season to one.” . . .
It says here that Dallas Stars forwards Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin, aka The Immature Punks, should just shut up until they have accomplished off the ice what Daniel and Henrik Sedin have in Vancouver. . . . Maybe the voices in their heads made Benn and Seguin say what they said on that open mouth radio show the other day. . . . “Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that ‘voices in my head’ told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “How come these ‘voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?” . . . Hough is getting ready for the spring planting season. “Picked up a little pot of tulips,” she tells us. “Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with: ‘For decoration only. Do not consume.’ And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions?”
(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)